Trust.
I have been re-reading “The Collaborative Way to Divorce” by Stuart G. Webb and Ronald D. Ousky and in a series of 6 blogposts, I am going to review and discuss specific aspects of their book. In this post, we are going to talk about trust.
In the chapter titled “Is the Collaborative Process Right for You?” the authors ask divorcing spouses to separately rate ten statements using a scale from one (strongly disagree) to five (strongly agree). These questions are designed to help a couple determine whether the collaborative process could be useful in their situation and to identify specific barriers to the process. The sixth statement posed is “I believe it is possible for my spouse and me to restore enough trust in each other to achieve a successful outcome.” Merriam Webster gives us the following definitions:
trust (v): to rely upon the truthfulness or accuracy of // believe
to place confidence in // rely on
There are a whole host of reasons why divorcing spouses may read that statement and immediately believe their answer is 1 – strongly disagree or 2 – disagree. Infidelity, broken promises, poor decisions and plain old anger are reasons I’ve heard voiced by my clients for why they cannot trust their spouse.
But as the authors so adeptly point out, very little in life is black and white. Trust, like everything else, is a continuum. The question is not whether you have 100% trust in your spouse. The question to is whether it is possible to restore enough trust in each other to figure out a custody schedule that works for the family and a fair-to-both-parties division of marital property.
Perhaps trust has been broken due to infidelity; despite that, my clients often agree that this has no impact on their ability to trust their spouse to care for the children. My clients can also agree that despite the affair, they can trust that their spouse also wants to resolve the issues attendant to their separation to achieve a successful outcome.
I have found that litigation decreases spouses’ trust in each other. Spouses put on their armor and they march out to battle, the attorneys lead the way towards what both sides hope will be a victory. What we know about battle, however, is that winning is not without its financial and emotional trauma. Both winners and losers suffer casualties, as do those around them.
The authors of “The Collaborative Way to Divorce” note that the collaborative process often leads to an increase in spouses’ trust for one another. Divorcing spouses, particularly those with children, will continue to have a relationship long into the future. The process you pick to dissolve your marriage is important, and it can set the stage for future interactions with your spouse. If you believe the collaborative divorce process could work for you, please call Gondring Law at 336.724.4488 or email us at kelley@gondringlaw.com.
